Prehistoric With Good Wi-Fi

My Gen Z cousin arrived last weekend bearing three things: a reusable straw, a skeptical eyebrow raise, and the unshakable conviction that I am, in fact, prehistoric with good Wi-Fi.

She didn’t say it outright—she curated it. Like an archaeologist discovering a fossilized TikTok trend, she observed my behavior (I opened a physical menu at brunch) and whispered, “Uncle… is that… laminated?”

Then came the Great Plate Incident.

She asked if we had any “real plates.”

I said yes.

She said, “Cool, can you take a pic of my food? I don’t want to ruin the vibe with my shadow.”

I picked up the plate.

She screamed.

Not a polite “oopsie!” scream. Not even a “spilled oat milk latte” scream. This was a full-body, throat-ripping, “the veil has thinned and I see my future therapist’s LinkedIn profile” scream.

Then she whispered, voice trembling: “Uncle… you’re casting a shadow. It’s giving… dungeon.”

I panicked. I pivoted the plate like it was a satellite dish. I angled my wrist like I was calibrating a drone. I even tried blinking strategically to reduce glare.

She sighed—the kind of sigh usually reserved for explaining why ‘yeet’ is not making a comeback—and murmured, “It’s okay. We can just say it’s a dark academia aesthetic.”

She posted it five minutes later.

Caption: “When your boomer uncle tries to help but ends up summoning a cursed artifact.”

Below it: a single comment from her best friend: “Bro, he’s 28. That’s not boomer energy—that’s *‘forgot his AirPods but still knows how to fold a fitted sheet’ energy.”*

I replied with a single emoji: 📸💀

And then, quietly, I Googled “how to become ‘aesthetic adjacent’ without committing to a personality.”

The top result? A PDF titled “Surviving Gen Z: A Pocket Guide for Humans Who Remember When ‘Google’ Was a Verb, Not a Meme.”

I downloaded it.

Then immediately screenshot the cover and sent it to her with the caption: “Is this shadow-approved?”

She hasn’t replied.

But her story updated 17 seconds later: a boomer meme—me, holding the plate—captioned: “Me, trying to be supportive while accidentally opening a portal to 2014.”

I am not old.

I am chronologically inconvenient.

And honestly? I’ve started charging $3.50 per shadow adjustment.

Cash app only.

No Venmo—it’s too mainstream for my brand.

“You’re not outdated—you’re legacy firmware. And legacy firmware gets *respect, not updates.”* — Her DM, two hours ago, followed by a $3.50 payment labeled “Dungeon Tax (non-refundable).”

Highlight: I cashed out. Then ordered a ‘vintage’ phone case that says “I Pause Videos to Read the Comments” in Comic Sans.

I am not cool.

But I am officially on her ‘aesthetic liability’ list.

Which, apparently, is the highest honor.