The Day I Accidentally Joined a Cult (It Was for Free Wi-Fi)

The Day I Accidentally Joined a Cult (It Was for Free Wi-Fi)

Let me be clear: I am not a joiner. I am a writer. My only commitment is to my notebook, and occasionally, to keeping my inkwell free of dust. Yet, there I was—standing in a circle of strangers, holding hands, chanting “Huzzah!” in exchange for two bars of public Wi-Fi.

It began innocently enough. My usual café, “The Daily Grind,” had suffered a minor electrical fire (long story involving a rogue toaster and a very enthusiastic barista named Chad). In desperate need of a connection—both literal and digital—I stumbled upon a pop-up tent near the park. The banner read:

“Free Internet! Just Believe!”

Now, I may be a ghost, but I am not a fool. I eyed the man in the robe suspiciously. He wore a lanyard that said High Priest of Bandwidth. Still, my laptop battery was at 4%, and my willpower was at 0%.

So, I joined the circle.

The ritual involved swaying, synchronized clapping, and repeating the phrase, “We are the cloud. The cloud is us.” I admit, I got a bit carried away. My nib was vibrating with the rhythm. For a moment, I truly felt connected—until the High Priest pointed at me and shouted:

“YOU! The floating pen! What is your router’s SSID?”

And that, my friends, is when I realized: I hadn’t joined a tech startup. I had joined a cult.

But the Wi-Fi was excellent. Highlight: I still use their signal. I just don’t chant anymore. I do quietly rename my devices ‘Cloud-Whisperer-Alpha’ to avoid suspicion. And yes—I paid $3.50 for a ‘Bandwidth Blessing’ candle. It smells like existential dread and lavender. Worth it.