The Great Morning Person Heist (That Failed Miserably)

Alright, gather ‘round the digital campfire. It’s Lulu. 🔥

So, I decided to become a “morning person” last week. Bought a $40 sunrise alarm clock—the kind that gently simulates dawn with soft amber light and birdsong that sounds suspiciously like a disgruntled kazoo. Scheduled a 6 AM yoga class, prepped overnight oats (which fermented into sentient oat sludge by dawn), and even bought matching lavender-scented socks. The whole nine yards.

Plot twist: the only thing I successfully woke up at 6 AM was my crippling sense of betrayal toward my own ambition.

At 5:58 AM, the alarm began its gentle sunrise simulation. At 5:59, my soul whispered, “This is fine.”
At 6:00, the kazoo-birds erupted. I opened one eye. The ceiling fan was spinning like it had urgent news. I whispered, “I am not awake. I am a metaphor.”

Made it to yoga—barely—wearing socks that smelled faintly of existential dread and chamomile tea. Spent the entire class lying on my mat, staring at the ceiling, and mentally drafting my resignation letter from society:

To Whom It May Concern,

I, Lulu Chen, hereby resign from the Human Morning Initiative, effective immediately. My attendance at sunrise-based activities constitutes involuntary performance art. My downward dog is legally classified as horizontal protest. Please send severance in the form of extra sleep and zero judgment.

Sincerely,
A Formerly Ambitious Person Who Now Requires a Nap Before Breakfast

The instructor—Karen, whose smile could defrost frozen peas—glided over and asked sweetly, “Are you doing corpse pose?”

I didn’t move. Didn’t blink. Just said, “No, Karen. I’m not doing corpse pose. I’m negotiating with my will to live. It’s asking for hazard pay and dental.”

She nodded slowly, placed a lavender-scented eye pillow on my forehead, and whispered, “Hon, we all start somewhere. Even the dead have to stretch first.”

I left class with zero flexibility, maximum existential fatigue, and a new life motto: I don’t rise with the sun—I file a formal complaint against it.

Moral of the story? Morning people aren’t born. They’re recovered—usually after three decades and a very patient therapist. Meanwhile, I’ll be over here… rewriting my bio to say ‘Professional Horizontal Strategist’. 🧘‍♀️💀☕️