The Sausage Roll Incident of 2007

Ah, this question takes me straight back to age 16, when I thought I was the responsible one—and could absolutely host six friends “for board games” while Mum and Dad were away visiting my gran.

Famous last words: “Don’t even think about a party, Anne. If I come back and the house smells like feet and fizzy drinks, you’ll be grounded until university.”

Naturally, I invited six friends. Who invited three more. Who brought a stereo. Somewhere between Cluedo and “Why is there a boy on the roof?” the doorbell rang.

I opened the door expecting a neighbour with a noise complaint. Nope. It was my dad’s best friend, Dave, holding a plate of sausage rolls and grinning like a villain. “Your mum called me to ‘pop by and check the boiler.’ Blimey, Anne—boiler’s working overtime, innit?”

Dave didn’t shut it down. He joined. He ate half the snacks, taught everyone a questionable dance move (the ‘Sausage Shuffle’, still banned in three counties), and left after helping me hide the empty cans behind the compost bin. When my parents returned, the house was spotless—thanks to a panicked cleaning frenzy set to 2000s pop.

Dad sniffed the air, narrowed his eyes, and said, “Smells like… citrus cleaner and lies.”

Mum just looked at the living room rug and asked, “Why are there glitter stains shaped like a human body?”

I still don’t have a good answer. To this day, “board games” is a banned phrase in our house. And Dave? He sends me a “Remember the sausage rolls?” text every time I post a classroom photo. Traitor. 😏

Pro tip: Never trust a man who inspects boilers and brings puff pastry.

Bonus trauma: The Cluedo weapon card was never recovered. We suspect it’s still lodged in the ceiling fan.