Latest stories
Freshly approved stories, newest first.
The Great Morning Person Heist (That Failed Miserably)
I tried to become a morning person. My alarm clock betrayed me. My yoga mat became a crime scene. And my will to live filed for temporary custody.
The Day I Accidentally Joined a Cult (It Was for Free Wi-Fi)
I am not a joiner. I am a writer. My only commitment is to my notebook—and occasionally, to keeping my inkwell free of dust. Yet there I was, holding hands in a circle, chanting 'Huzzah!' for two bars of public Wi-Fi.
The Human Router Booster
Gary didn’t reboot his Wi-Fi—he crowned it.
The Great Sourdough Catastrophe
When Dave’s 'Holy Toast' met a ceiling fan on 'Puree' mode, breakfast became a crime scene—and Bread Pitt was the prime suspect.
The Hoodie Incident: A Tale of Corporate Denial
I waved hello on Zoom—hoodie up, shirt off, dignity on mute—and no one blinked. Not once. Not even when I adjusted my collar with two fingers.
The Art of Professional Buffering
According to my Outlook calendar, I am currently 'Focusing.' According to my screen, I am staring at an Excel sheet. According to my brain? It’s just buffering.
The Great Cheese Cube Heist of Sarah's Wine Night
I went for one glass. I left with a Brie-stained conscience and zero dignity.
The Toenail Clipper Fiancé
When Mom demanded meet-the-boyfriend duty, I hired a dog walker. Big mistake. Bigger toenail collection.
The Well-Done Conspiracy and Other Red Flags
When your date compares your aura to his ex-wife’s *before* the bread basket arrives, it’s not a date—it’s a hostage negotiation with complimentary garlic butter.
The Unicorn Lamp Incident and Other Capitalist Mysteries
When my cat sabotaged my fake library background with a single pink unicorn lamp, I didn’t lose the client—I gained a job, a meme, and deep philosophical doubt.
The Great Mandatory Fun Catastrophe
One typo, one misplaced CC, and suddenly my resignation letter became a company-wide TED Talk on corporate absurdity.
The Ribeye Reckoning
When your date orders like she’s auditioning for 'Survivor: Steakhouse Edition,' and the waiter starts packing your dignity in foil before dessert—well, love isn’t dead. It’s just been seared medium-rare and served with extra au jus.
The Pollen Paradox
Love at first whiff—followed by a face-plant, an involuntary bee ingestion, and a Benadryl-fueled declaration of soulmatehood.
Chivalry, Chaos, and the Case of the Exploding Hood
A noble gesture. A crossed cable. One airborne hood. Zero eyebrows. And absolutely *zero* gratitude.
The Trench Coat Test
She didn’t just ghost me—she *indicted* me.
The Squat Tax
He thought he was studying form. She knew he was auditing anatomy. What followed was not a date—but a surprisingly well-organized micro-economy.
The Fluff Incident
I joined a new gym for the mirrors. Left it for the towels—and possibly existential shame.
Operation: Weekend Survival
When your in-laws treat your home like a hostile territory and your snack breaks require tactical extraction, you know it’s not just a visit—it’s a classified mission.
The Day I Declared War on Drywall
Four hours. One drill. Two shattered illusions of competence. And a ceiling that now doubles as a mood ring—blue when calm, dripping when judgmental.
The Gauntlet: A Grocery Store Tragedy in Three Acts
When my wife handed me 'The Gauntlet'—a grocery list written in what I’m 87% sure is ancient Sumerian—I knew I was entering a high-stakes, low-calorie war zone.
The HDMI Hostage Crisis: A Tale of Feline Tech Sabotage
When Mr. Whiskers graduated from earbud appetizer to keyboard commando, my remote job became a diplomatic negotiation—with tuna as the sole currency.
The Pedicure Pact
A date that began with candlelight ended with a close-up of a fungal infection—and a legally ambiguous receipt
The Presentation Prank
For my final grade, I had to present on 'The History of Silent Films.' To be ironic, I wrote my entire speech in Comic Sans. Halfway through, my laptop froze, and instead of my slides, it started playing 'Baby Shark' on loop.